What a parenting coach told me about distracted parents, and why I'd start with the first ten minutes after you walk in the door.
If you're a working dad, you know the walk from the driveway to the door. You're still finishing the last conversation of the day in your head. Then the door opens before your shoes are off. Somebody wants to show you something, somebody needs a snack, and your phone buzzes in your pocket.
You're home. Whether you're there is a different question, and it's one I've been thinking about since a conversation earlier this year.
A men's breakfast, then a mic
Earlier this year I co-hosted a men's breakfast with Garth Epp before a parenting weekend. Afterward I sat down with Pastor Jonathan Brozozog for the podcast. Jonathan is the same guy whose Father's Day letters idea turned into our Dad Awards, so I figured I'd walk away from that conversation with something to try at home.
I did, though it wasn't the kind of thing you put on a certificate.
One point he made has stuck with me more than anything else from that day. Kids' loneliness often starts at home, with parents who are right there in the room but distracted.
That's a hard one to hear as a dad of four. Being in the room is the part I tend to count as the win. You made it home for dinner. You're on the couch. You're at the game. Those things matter, and I'm not about to tell any dad who shows up that it doesn't count.
But from where a kid is standing, a dad who's in the room and a dad who's looking at them are two pretty different dads.
What it made me notice
I took the kids to the park, and before I'd played with them at all, I told them I needed to answer a few messages for work first. My daughter said I always have to do work things before we can have fun.
She wasn't wrong. I'd been putting whatever I'd decided was important ahead of being in the moment with them, and calling it a reason when it was really an excuse. I wasn't taking what mattered to my kids seriously.
They couldn't care less about a work message that needs to go out. They just want their dad fully present.
Maybe you've had a moment like that too. Your kid is halfway through a story, you're nodding, and you realize you have no idea what they just said because you were reading an email. Nobody's a bad dad for that. But it's worth noticing how often it happens.
I don't think the answer is becoming a dad who never touches his phone. I've got work, rentals, a podcast and four kids, and the phone is coming home with me. What I can do is pick a window where my kids get all of me, and guard it.
Jonathan's family has a nightly no-phone hour. He talks about it on the episode, along with a lot of other ways they've built their home on purpose. An hour is a great place to end up. If that feels like a lot right now, start with ten minutes.
Why the first ten minutes
I like the first ten minutes because it's when two things are at their strongest. The kids are most excited to see you, and the pull back to the screen is hardest to ignore. You've just come out of a work day, and there's always one more message to answer.
If they get you in that window, they learn something about where they rank. Kids read where your eyes go when you walk in, and that tells them more than any speech about how much you love them.
And it's small enough to actually do. Ten minutes doesn't need a plan, a babysitter or a tradition with certificates. It needs a spot to leave the phone and a dad willing to sit on the floor for a bit.
It also changes the rest of the night. My guess is that when the kids have had you for those first few minutes, they won't need to chase you as hard for the next two hours. And even if the night still gets loud, which in a house with four kids it will, they started it knowing they had your full attention.
Try this week
Give your kids the first ten minutes after you walk in the door. The phone stays in the car, in your bag or on the counter. Get down to their level, look at them, and let them take the lead.
A few ways to make it stick:
- Pick one spot for the phone by the door, and put it there before you say hello.
- Ask a question that can't be answered with "good," like "What made you laugh today?" or "What was the hardest part of your day?"
- If you miss it one night, take the first ten minutes of bedtime instead.
If you want more of Jonathan's thinking on this, our conversation is episode 25 of The Currency of Happiness.
Ten minutes won't fix everything. It does give your kids one part of the day where they know they have you.
When do your kids get the most of you: mornings, the drive or bedtime?
